Together or Not At All…

Hello Sweet Peas,

I have a few photos to share with you…

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Here’s one of my best friends Chloe, or in my case Beardy. No one ever understands why we are so happy to see each other. Why we connect the way we do. I want to tell you a bit about here because by the end I can swear to you, you’ll adore her as much as I do.

Back in the days when I’d rather not remember my hair decisions or my fashion choices, I met Chloe. I hate to say it but never for a second did I ever think she would have the impact on me that she has. Over the years without realization me and beard have become almost dependent on each other. It was only however when we didn’t have each other there to bounce off, did we come to acknowledge it – only allowing us to resemble a married couple.  I can honestly say that she’s been there thick and thin whenever I needed her, from the smallest to the biggest thing. It’s not often you find someone like that, that can be there day in day out and it’s only when they’re gone you say “hold on a minute, they were my bloody partner in crime” …

I feel privileged in knowing that Beardy has come to me for various things over the years, little aspects of her life she has slowly but surely began to open up to, knowing she can put her trust in to me is wonderful. I’ve watched this trust build up, at first cautious however slowly but surely finding hope in me.

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You know the person who is the strongest? The joy to everyone’s day with not a single bad word pass their lips and spark in their step. I always see this in Chloe, no matter what she’d be there for anyone and everyone. I’m one of the only people who have seen the slightly different side. The less confident, scared and lonely girl just wanting to be saved from all the demons many of us face in different ways.

As you know, I’m extremely up in raising awareness towards any mental illness and reducing any kind of stigma. I want people to be fully aware that 1) they should never be ashamed, it makes you who you are in which many people love you and wouldn’t change you for the world and 2) you’re never alone, there’s so many other people out there looking and searching for the exact same support and comfort. Well, I want to raise awareness for something my wonderful best friend has been fighting for many years and I cannot express how god damn proud I am. To hear to words that she finally feels happy, in which she only said a few days ago is like complete joy and excitement to my ears.

Chloe has suffered with the awful mental illness Trichotillomania, a mental illness where a person has a need and impulse to pull their hair out as well as eyelashes and eyebrows. It’s often due to stresses, depression and anxiety however it becomes a addictive and extremely controlling and watching someone be so traumatized by it for so many years is devastating. This illness can cause so many medical issues, such as being blinded and it also impacts on your confidence and increases isolation and social skills. It can lead to frustration and embarrassment in social aspects of life, and involve many restrictions.

I’ve always wanted Beard to know she is not alone and being on this journey and watching her slowly but surely start to overcome these challenges has been outstanding. It will always be a trouble in her life, just like all mental illnesses are in any case however we can clearly see there is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just like me and Anorexia there is always that evil side of you that wants to turn back, it being part of you life for so long these addictions become close friends however with the right love and support we can prove that together we can fight anything. It’s true that these addictions become a coping mechanism, so reach out, don’t be scared to talk about it even if it’s just building up that trust with one person like Chloe did with me. We may have just helped save each other lives and happiness.

If you ever want to contact me or Chloe with advice, support or questions, feel free to e-mail us;

Hollie – holllie54321d@hotmail.co.uk

Chloe – chloebeard1998@gmail.com

Chloe has also recently took the big step in talking about her mental illness and has actually launched a blog herself – http://justcallmebeardy.wordpress.com/

If you could hop over there and send all your love, support and huggles like I know you all will do, Id be so grateful.

Sending love and sparkles to all you little fighters out there.

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

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A Week in Photos (3)

Hello Sweet Peas,

I missed last week! I do apologize, it’s actually been a busy few weeks so here’s a little insight into what I’ve been up to.

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 1. Dragon Fly Tea – Anyone who knows me is aware of my over obsessive love for tea, especially new wonderful flavored teas. I discovered the make Dragon Fly which I must add the peppermint green tea is wonderful and whats better than a tea with cute little messages?

2. Cold Mornings and Porridge – Yes, I’ve already purchased my first Christmas mug of the year (I couldn’t help myself) I mean just look how cute the penguin is, he was practically calling my name and of course the cold mornings have started creeping there way back in, so porridge is always the answer.

3. Happiness and Bunny ears – I think being able to let go of everything just for one night is the most important thing. To be able to stop and say ‘hold on a minute, this is my time’. I had a lovely night last weekend in Blackpool with Ellie, where we both just forgot about anything and enjoyed ourselves. Of course, I resorted back to being a kid when the only priority was buying flashing bunny ears.

4. Fabulous Trouser Life – River Island sales oh how I love you! Recently I’ve been a sucker for baggy, wonderfully printed trousers and my my when these were just £10, how could I say no?

5. Frozen Frantic- Yesterday me, Mumma and Ella all headed for a little afternoon out and popped into Matalan. I love Matalan for the odd bits and bobs and got a tad excited at all the new Christmas home ware section. Then making our way to the till I spotted this little number and absolutely loved it. I love popping my protein shakes into little cups like this, so it really was perfect. ~(And I love frozen… a tad too much)

6. Ginger Bread Latte Galore –  Yesterday being a little treat day I had to take a little trip to Costa and have a cheeky ginger bread latte, which Is the ultimate Christmas drink and my absolute favorite.

7. Halloween Mania- As you know Halloween is just in fact right around the corner and in our house hold we absolutely love it, and of course this year decided to go all out in Asda. I literally couldn’t resist the sparkly pumpkins and skull heads being the big girl that I am.

8. Skull Shot glasses – On our little Halloween Asda trip I cam across these little fellas Skull head shot glasses!! I mean how fab are they? You cannot deny.

9. Weight lifting Pumpkins – And of course Halloween can only mean Pumpkins and I can confirm we spent ages trying to choose the biggest and best pumpkins. After finally choosing we finally picked and me and me little muscles managed to carry him… wahey!

10. ‘Bring Murray’s Bum Back’ – Yes, this Extra Large Pick n’ Mix was most certainly allowed last night, lets call it a ‘Halloween Eve’ treat, as 1. it was a ‘little’ cheat night 2. I’ve been craving sweets for god knows how long 3. we are on a strong mission to bring Hollie’s bum back. So you cheeky cola bottles… go to my arse…

11. Cozy jumpers and boring Sundays- Cold weather is most certainly starting to consume me, which only results to my fingers and toes being left to freeze. I bought this jumper this week which I absolutely adore, going out my comfort zone slightly with the color but I strangely love it, plus it’s unbelievably comfy and warm. Bonus!

12. Keep going and Never stop – I have to admit the past four weeks have been incredibly hard for me, yet I’m still striving and still fighting. I want to keep going and shut out all the thoughts and feeling telling me that I can’t and I think this quote sums this up perfectly. I think it’s important to start accepting you’ll have set backs and failures, yet just because you do it isn’t the end. They only allow you to keep striving and going.

I hope you enjoyed these little set of piccys and I hope you have all had a fabulous week.

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

A Week in Photos (2)

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Hello Sweet Peas,

Gosh has a week really flown by already? I feel like time is going by way too quickly recently but hey here is a little bit in what I’ve been up to;

1. SHOES – Yes, I have come to the conclusion is is most certainly possible to fall in love with a pair of shoes because I ordered these beauties and couldn’t have been happier. I mean just look at them! So, I stated a new motto to my mum – “Shoes are better than humans, they never leave you,” hey, it’s pretty much true, haha.

2. Black Obsessions – I don’t think I’ll ever loose my love for black clothing, or the fact that winter is most certainly on it’s way and I despise the cold. I must add thought how much I love my knitted headband, It’s literally proved to be a life saver and I love it way too much (and works perfectly well on a bad hair day)

3. Details –  I love outfits that have the tiniest yet most effect of details, I think adding the simplest of things truly allows an outfit to transform and come together. I’m absolutely loving scarfs for layers at the moment also and on this day particular, I felt my outfit was simple yet satisfying.

4. Guinea Pig lovin’ – Here’s just two of the 7 Guinea pigs in our house, my sister’s Percy and my little Tiny Tim. I’ve spent most of the weekend cuddled up with the guinea pigs, and to be honest lately it’s my most favorite thing to do. Even if Tim is anything but like a Guinea pig and would rather climb up around my shoulders…

5. Tattoo Ideas- I plan to have two tattoos at Christmas, one being a little elephant in which I’ve wanted for so so long and the second I’ve been a little indecisive towards. I did however want something on the lines of recovery and Eating Disorders, and I absolutely love this. So I’ve decided I’d love something on the lines of this, either on my arm, upper back or under booby!

6.Cheat Night – Mmmm last night was cheat night and all week I’ve been craving cheese and crackers, so I brought Christmas early and caved in to a box of Jacob’s. Oh my. Along with way too many chocolate match makers and cinnamon popcorn but hey… it’s once a week right…

Hope you’ve all had fabulous week’s and now X Factors back with the live shows it’s most certainly Christmas countdown begun. Mwaha.

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

Simplicity

Flickering of eyes,

Palms led to palms,

A ‘good morning’ sleepy recited,

Skies full of wonders,

Clouds showing candyfloss traits,

Effortless fallen locks,

A sunlight seeping through,

Crisp in Summer’s losses,

Gains for the Autumn tones,

falling past your beloved scarf keeping in your warmth,

Smelling of loved cooking,

Apple crumble done best,

Wholeness from the heart,

Your lips against delicacy,

Strings played gently,

Fingertips upon curves,

Silence through reassured smiles,

White shirts as fresh as a clear blue sea,

buttons messily undone,

sliding off the silken shoulder you simmer upon,

Bed sheets we sink down into,

Smells of Christmas flooding the happiness,

Led to a falling path of enjoyments,

Toes between the sheets,

Comfort in a hug,

hugs in mugs,

Warmth from over-sized jumpers,

Crashing of waves,

Ears flooding of your most loved sounds,

The smell of you home after a time away,

Your words through care,

Your promises,

leaving me content,

the stars we see upon a dark, clear sky,

Pointing, hoping, dreaming

Wishes made,

little children still at heart.

Laughter that echos through the deepness of your belly,

Aching through happiness,

Your smile as you observe each inch,

hiding away from the world with each trust in me,

the falls we make,

the risks we take,

Simplicity surrounds me,

I find it in you

I hope you are all well,

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

Anxiety – You aren’t alone

Hello Sweet Peas,

I have quite a few Autumn/Christmas Fashion and beauty posts waiting in anticipation, I know I know, please do contain your excitement. However this Friday – 10th October it’s World Mental Health Day, so I thought I’d do a quick little post on a topic I’ve been wanting to express for a while.

As you’ve more than likely figured already I want to talk a little bit about anxiety and panic attacks, as without realization it’s something in which a huge number of people suffer with day in and day out. I hope in expressing my feelings and thoughts towards it, I can try and raise a little bit of awareness and assure people that they really aren’t alone.

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I’ve never really expressed my dealings with anxiety as over the years I’ve overcome it massively and have discovered so many ways and techniques in coping and surviving each day. It has taken a hell lot of work and something I’ll continue to do but I want to show just how you can learn to deal with these anxious thoughts and worries and how despite what you may think you aren’t the only one.

For a long period of time panic attacks were a daily struggle for me and in which a lot of the time no one was aware of, even myself wasn’t aware that what I was suffering with was panic attacks. They’d rise up whenever and wherever they wanted, usually in corridors in school, tight busy shops or when I got out of the shower bizarrely. Although, they can happen just about anywhere and let me tell you they aren’t fun. I’ll give you a tiny insight… Basically you feel like you’re dying for a split second, haha. Usually feeling dizzy, feeling sick, light headed, and blacking out often occur and that tightness in your chest they causes the over breathing. They’re a complete build up of fear, excitement, and emotions. For myself it often feels like my head is about to explode, causing me to simply panic more. I often feel like the whole world is caving in around me and there is simply nothing in the world that will stop it but of course we know that’s not quite frankly true because there are ways of over coming and coping with these attacks.

My Own Coping Techniques

  • Focus on breathing – I know this probably sounds way to obvious but in the case of a panic sorting out your breathing is pretty much vital. Slow deep breathing and allowing yourself to calm.
  • Getting away from the situation – I like to go straight outside or simply moving away from the place I’ve panicked in.
  • Being with someone – many people actually would rather not have any communication from anyone as it simply causes more anxiety and panic however one of my biggest preventatives is to actually go and find a friend or family member and allow them to be aware of how I’m feeling.
  • Counting – counting strangely helps me deal with calming down, as it gives me a completely different focus.
  • Lying down – I have a a dizziness issue, so sometimes lying down and again focusing on breathing techniques can help and awful lot
  • Drinking water – this helps with any dizziness and feeling sick

Dealing with the thoughts…

However despite the panic attacks, I think it’s unaware of the huge issue simply anxiety plays along with this, the build up. I firstly want to express how a little anxiety and worry is normal and healthy, without it we would be completely reckless human beings with not a care in the world however when it interferes with every aspect and decision then driving you insane… that’s not so healthy. Again for a long, long time day in day out and still some days anxiety and it’s evil thoughts control my life, decisions and relationships. I can recall it getting to the point I was petrified of leaving the house simply because the possibility of being watched, followed or involved in a car crash ect. I became so obsessed and anxious over every bad aspect in life, which of course isn’t the way to live. Not only that but I become incredibly paranoid of those around me, assuming someone I’d never seen in my entire life hated every inch of me. I could hear my voice being screamed and felt as if I was out numbered in a crowded room, each one of them targeting me. I would stop socializing, talking, touching and even acknowledging other people.  That constant ticking, irritating voice constantly giving you a friendly reminder of the unknown, which in the reasonable mind we know is ridiculous.

What if the unknown is equally as amazing?

That’s what I’ve grown to learn, that as humans we instantly jump to the conclusion that everything ahead of us could turn to disaster, this means we forget there and equal (even bigger) chance things could hold great wonders. Another great thing I’ve adjusted to through Anxiety and Anorexia is CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy), which I would certainly recommended for various mental health issues. It’s  type of therapy that looking into retraining the brains thinking patterns and thoughts in this it allows you to deal with problems or issues in your life a lot easier. Of course it doesn’t remove the problems, it does however allow you to see things in a much more positive light.

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I now take each day as it comes and as soon as that little negative voice chips in, I fight back with the positive one. I’ve discovered that when I’m panicking over what the world sees me as – they are more than likely doing the same thing. I’ve also figured out that the future cannot be changed and neither can the past, so dwelling and worrying is never the answer. Lastly, I was you to remember no matter how much you refuse to believe it – there is always a positive to every thought, situation and feeling.

A Little Thought – Facing the Fear

Within my CBT I learned a very valuable lesson that I use in every anxiety flooding situation;

Imagine a spider, big, hairy and scary and what’s worse? You have the biggest fear of spiders.

No one else is there to get rid of the spider, meaning you have two choices; 1. Leave the spider to sit there, leaving you aware of it’s presence, keeping the fear keeping the anxiety bubbling OR 2. Feel the Fear and do it anyway, the anxiety shall be there yes, however imagine it in waves. Once you’ve faced the fear of grabbing the spider the anxiety level shall fall back down because it’s over – you realize it simply wasn’t as bad as you first thought.

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When you have to face this fear again, the fear simply won’t be as strong because on the waves on anxiety each time you face it, it’ll become lower and lower and easier and easier.

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“But, what started the panic attack? Why were you anxious?”

Oh the one question that actually drives me insane! Yes, I know that somewhere down the deep, dark routes of your brain there shall always be a reason behind anxiety/attacks however sometimes you simply just don’t know! It’s quite frankly the worst when you have that anxious feeling in your stomach and the distant sense that something just quite isn’t right. I’d like to express how it’s perfectly fine to not know why you’re feeling this way, or to be completely unaware of the reasoning behind the attack.

It’s just extremely important to understand you aren’t alone. I also want you to know that, it’s 100% possibly to begin to control anxiety and panic attacks and that you are not doomed for your whole life.

526cfb5345e2c53bf5b1067ba6411a42Speak soon,

Holl xxx

Conflictation

Hello Sweet Peas,

I’m feeling extremely positive today and everything seems to be on the up. So firstly if you just happen to be having an awful hour or one of them days where only the bed seems appealing, I want you to stop for a second and smile. Take a huge breath and remember the world around you is still turning and you are still living and tomorrow is a brand new fresh day. Make the most of it! Do something new and exciting, do something that scares you or something full of spontaneity.

I was stuck in what to base today’s blog post around so, I thought I’d share a little poem with you as recently I’ve been writing more and more poetry and really seem to enjoy it.

Conflicted Thoughts

I don’t want to be caught
In a vagueness of my own insecure haze,
When I grow and my veins purposely entwine,
Logically older and minding fault.

I refuse to continue in the threatening hope,
That miracle shall fall upon,
That I am a specialist,
When I fall down to nothing, in the simple act of breathing.

Humanity overwhelms me.
Steps,
Walks,
Breaths,
Sound,
Forcefully supply me with and average sense of normality, I endlessly refuse to aspire.

You refuse to believe the demons I hold, Believing I’m a saint with no fault,
Do you feel the deceiving pierce?
When the world sees you with purity?
And you know you are scolded with blinded ashes at the core,

Endlessly attempting to accept emotion
That seethes from all,
Yet you prefer the opposite,
You don’t expect clarity, Love, Want,
Only ever craving its persuasions.

Pushing slowly to dismiss the truth,
You fail to control.
I’ll control each particle,
I place through the lips claiming for admiration,
The normal act upon us all day to day,
Finger tips to mouth.

I’ll control the purpose and meaning you have in each hour, because I can.
Protection.
Stopping the hurt you’ll supply me with.

Humanity does this,
Its dishonest perceptions,
And humans? We act it best.

That’s why I am fragile yet as cold as sharp icicles, Coming on the world’s tragic end.
You cannot come close,
I do not believe,
So I strike and melt and fade,
So you no longer have to observe my obsessive ‘phase’

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

The Silence

Standing motionless alone in complete tranquility. The shivers overcoming my spine from chilling droplets one would usually find to be comforting, the way of a wind down from a hectic 24 hours. I beg to differ as the sense of the cold relieves tension built from within, rather than the burning reminders of whom I am. I focus on the numbness that suddenly overcomes me in repetitive shivers. Breathing in and out with ease forcing my mind to phase over a peace, finger tips graze the curves and sharping edges as my mind is rapidly distorted. I search for acceptance. Suddenly falling in my trembles through each step, I phase in and out of a realization of reality. Like a dream the silence begins to swallow me, water droplets transforming into the ocean and each and every particle drowns away.  A tightness is risen in my chest and my aims to block out doesn’t reach any accomplishment, I feel as if the tapping of the tap echos louder, as the walls trap around me. What you’d find peace and ease in this normal, daily action, I discover a striking break down of screams. Terrorizing me as if I were melting I’d still leave the self hatred behind. I hope for the lingering to reach it’s halt, washing away through my own mind.

A little “pick me up”

Hello Sweet Peas,

Oh heck it’s been a while, I’ve missed my blogging but I’m back don’t worry too much…

Anyway, what the hell has happened to summer?! I’m currently sat here back into my jeans, slipper socks and over sized hoodie attempting to to allow my body to feel the warmth again. I even resorted in getting the old parka out of the back of my wardrobe on my shopping trip the other day… yes I was that cold or my body just simply refuses sudden weather change. I can’t lie though I did enjoy starting the winter shop, baggy jumpers and huge scarfs, yes please! On that note, yes you heard right once again I had one of my fabby shopping trips, of course only meaning a haul very very soon!

However today I feel as if due to this now gloomy weather we are all in need of one of Hollie’s little inspirational ‘pick me ups’ of course. Well I know I do and a complete ‘sluggish’ feeling is most certainly hazing over me.

I’ve trying my complete hardest everyday to stay as positive as I can recently and one of the little sayings that is helping me strive through is;

“Storms make trees take deeper roots”

I’ve been meaning to share this for a while now because I absolutely love it and lately speaks a whole lot of truth. There are many times I’m coming to face that the whole world around me appears to blow up into a complete whirl wind. Like a dark cloud is hovering over day to day, as a storm kindly brews. Of course through a storm the trees have to take their hold or they’re simply blown down indicating that they take deep roots. It’s like that for ourselves – our storms, our mistakes and experiences can only make us stronger because as humans we set in ambition to make our mark on the planet. We aren’t made or placed upon the Earth the to just ‘give up’ because I believe the universe simply doesn’t work that way.

I want to believe that each struggle that I am faced with It’ll only impact on my drive towards my aspirations in life. They will continue to provide me with the drive to carry on striving for everything I want.

So, if today seems gloomy or you’re having a little rough patch, look in the mirror and confirm with yourself that this will soon pass and when it does? you shall be a hell lot stronger. You’ll be able to face your day straight on with the need and want to live.

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

#OOTD – I’ve fallen in love with a pair of trousers

Hello Sweet Peas,

Once again to my pleasure I received a Top Shop order this morning, which obviously meant a fabulous day ahead.

So I thought I’d give you a quick OOTD because quite frankly I’ve fallen in love with these trousers.

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I literally adore these pants, they’re extremely comfy and the pattern and colours are perfect. Even if I do feel slightly conned into thinking I’m wearing pyjamas, I think I shall be ordering plenty more of these 😉 for just £25 how could I not!

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

TopShop is my weakness

Hello Sweet Peas,

I’m a shopping addict. Yes, you already know that and judging by that first line you’ll know I’ve got a cheeky little haul on the way for you and of course by the title I bought the cutest outfit from good old Top Shop (with a splash of Primark of course, I mean who can resist?)

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  • Top – TopShop £10
  • Jeans – TopShop Leigh Jeans £38
  • Scarf – Primark £4
  • Rings – Primark £2/3

My my my, I literally adore this outfit and got home completely satisfied. I started out my day basically demanding and avoiding the whole of TopShop (Willpower women!…) because I knew my wardrobe was crying for new jeans and of course I’m loving the ripped knee craze at the moment – so I gave in.

I am one for personal style and I go with what I like and what perceives me and I like to reflect who I am through my fashion an awful lot (a blog post soon to come about that) however ripped jeans has always been a favorite of mine, so hey we shall go with that.

After being extremely indecisive on color, I tried these on and my god absolutely loved them, I would high recommended TopShop Leigh jeans to anyone as they always fit perfectly and I find our the comfiest.  And of course when trying on I needed a top to try, so I picked up this one not really thinking twice about it yet when I tried it I basically couldn’t say no. It’s light, comfy and perfect for the end of Summer up coming Autumn season, I also loved the grey as it’s a colour I don’t usually go for but I think a new season indicates a bit of a change. £10 is a tad on the pricey side but so worth it I say, so I shall most certainly be having a cheeky purchase on the other colours. Plus the top worked really well with the jeans, there was no questioning to it…

After resisting allowing myself to broke in the wonders of TopShop as I promised I was only going for the jeans… I headed to to many other shops crying at prices but then couldn’t help but make a little purchase in Primark (I mean I can stretch to that right?… Haha) With Autumn coming up (Yes, I plan ahead in the fashion world… ooppsie) I’m quite liking the idea of patterned scarfs and black leather jackets because who doesn’t love a leather jacket? They’re like my life saver to polish off an outfit. Well, to my luck Primark were literally scarf galore! And this one straight away caught my eye because of the turquoise, as I had only just picked up the rings that quite wonderfully match and finish off the whole outfit. Then I was completely satisfied because rather than buying load of bits I wanted but didn’t need, I’d put together and outfit, in which I can tweak as I please.

I’m loving the whole new season ranges coming in this year for Autumn, the colours seem to be straight forward, whites, greys, blacks and burgundy’s which suit me completely, so I’m really looking forward to having a play around with some outfits. Then I’ll be ready for summer all over again..

So I was a very satisfied Hollie!

Next on my long list is a light Autumn jacket/coat and boots! If I buy anything before that slap my wrists, haha.

Speak soon,

Holl xxx