Simplicity

Flickering of eyes,

Palms led to palms,

A ‘good morning’ sleepy recited,

Skies full of wonders,

Clouds showing candyfloss traits,

Effortless fallen locks,

A sunlight seeping through,

Crisp in Summer’s losses,

Gains for the Autumn tones,

falling past your beloved scarf keeping in your warmth,

Smelling of loved cooking,

Apple crumble done best,

Wholeness from the heart,

Your lips against delicacy,

Strings played gently,

Fingertips upon curves,

Silence through reassured smiles,

White shirts as fresh as a clear blue sea,

buttons messily undone,

sliding off the silken shoulder you simmer upon,

Bed sheets we sink down into,

Smells of Christmas flooding the happiness,

Led to a falling path of enjoyments,

Toes between the sheets,

Comfort in a hug,

hugs in mugs,

Warmth from over-sized jumpers,

Crashing of waves,

Ears flooding of your most loved sounds,

The smell of you home after a time away,

Your words through care,

Your promises,

leaving me content,

the stars we see upon a dark, clear sky,

Pointing, hoping, dreaming

Wishes made,

little children still at heart.

Laughter that echos through the deepness of your belly,

Aching through happiness,

Your smile as you observe each inch,

hiding away from the world with each trust in me,

the falls we make,

the risks we take,

Simplicity surrounds me,

I find it in you

I hope you are all well,

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

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Anxiety – You aren’t alone

Hello Sweet Peas,

I have quite a few Autumn/Christmas Fashion and beauty posts waiting in anticipation, I know I know, please do contain your excitement. However this Friday – 10th October it’s World Mental Health Day, so I thought I’d do a quick little post on a topic I’ve been wanting to express for a while.

As you’ve more than likely figured already I want to talk a little bit about anxiety and panic attacks, as without realization it’s something in which a huge number of people suffer with day in and day out. I hope in expressing my feelings and thoughts towards it, I can try and raise a little bit of awareness and assure people that they really aren’t alone.

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I’ve never really expressed my dealings with anxiety as over the years I’ve overcome it massively and have discovered so many ways and techniques in coping and surviving each day. It has taken a hell lot of work and something I’ll continue to do but I want to show just how you can learn to deal with these anxious thoughts and worries and how despite what you may think you aren’t the only one.

For a long period of time panic attacks were a daily struggle for me and in which a lot of the time no one was aware of, even myself wasn’t aware that what I was suffering with was panic attacks. They’d rise up whenever and wherever they wanted, usually in corridors in school, tight busy shops or when I got out of the shower bizarrely. Although, they can happen just about anywhere and let me tell you they aren’t fun. I’ll give you a tiny insight… Basically you feel like you’re dying for a split second, haha. Usually feeling dizzy, feeling sick, light headed, and blacking out often occur and that tightness in your chest they causes the over breathing. They’re a complete build up of fear, excitement, and emotions. For myself it often feels like my head is about to explode, causing me to simply panic more. I often feel like the whole world is caving in around me and there is simply nothing in the world that will stop it but of course we know that’s not quite frankly true because there are ways of over coming and coping with these attacks.

My Own Coping Techniques

  • Focus on breathing – I know this probably sounds way to obvious but in the case of a panic sorting out your breathing is pretty much vital. Slow deep breathing and allowing yourself to calm.
  • Getting away from the situation – I like to go straight outside or simply moving away from the place I’ve panicked in.
  • Being with someone – many people actually would rather not have any communication from anyone as it simply causes more anxiety and panic however one of my biggest preventatives is to actually go and find a friend or family member and allow them to be aware of how I’m feeling.
  • Counting – counting strangely helps me deal with calming down, as it gives me a completely different focus.
  • Lying down – I have a a dizziness issue, so sometimes lying down and again focusing on breathing techniques can help and awful lot
  • Drinking water – this helps with any dizziness and feeling sick

Dealing with the thoughts…

However despite the panic attacks, I think it’s unaware of the huge issue simply anxiety plays along with this, the build up. I firstly want to express how a little anxiety and worry is normal and healthy, without it we would be completely reckless human beings with not a care in the world however when it interferes with every aspect and decision then driving you insane… that’s not so healthy. Again for a long, long time day in day out and still some days anxiety and it’s evil thoughts control my life, decisions and relationships. I can recall it getting to the point I was petrified of leaving the house simply because the possibility of being watched, followed or involved in a car crash ect. I became so obsessed and anxious over every bad aspect in life, which of course isn’t the way to live. Not only that but I become incredibly paranoid of those around me, assuming someone I’d never seen in my entire life hated every inch of me. I could hear my voice being screamed and felt as if I was out numbered in a crowded room, each one of them targeting me. I would stop socializing, talking, touching and even acknowledging other people.  That constant ticking, irritating voice constantly giving you a friendly reminder of the unknown, which in the reasonable mind we know is ridiculous.

What if the unknown is equally as amazing?

That’s what I’ve grown to learn, that as humans we instantly jump to the conclusion that everything ahead of us could turn to disaster, this means we forget there and equal (even bigger) chance things could hold great wonders. Another great thing I’ve adjusted to through Anxiety and Anorexia is CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy), which I would certainly recommended for various mental health issues. It’s  type of therapy that looking into retraining the brains thinking patterns and thoughts in this it allows you to deal with problems or issues in your life a lot easier. Of course it doesn’t remove the problems, it does however allow you to see things in a much more positive light.

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I now take each day as it comes and as soon as that little negative voice chips in, I fight back with the positive one. I’ve discovered that when I’m panicking over what the world sees me as – they are more than likely doing the same thing. I’ve also figured out that the future cannot be changed and neither can the past, so dwelling and worrying is never the answer. Lastly, I was you to remember no matter how much you refuse to believe it – there is always a positive to every thought, situation and feeling.

A Little Thought – Facing the Fear

Within my CBT I learned a very valuable lesson that I use in every anxiety flooding situation;

Imagine a spider, big, hairy and scary and what’s worse? You have the biggest fear of spiders.

No one else is there to get rid of the spider, meaning you have two choices; 1. Leave the spider to sit there, leaving you aware of it’s presence, keeping the fear keeping the anxiety bubbling OR 2. Feel the Fear and do it anyway, the anxiety shall be there yes, however imagine it in waves. Once you’ve faced the fear of grabbing the spider the anxiety level shall fall back down because it’s over – you realize it simply wasn’t as bad as you first thought.

MEANING

When you have to face this fear again, the fear simply won’t be as strong because on the waves on anxiety each time you face it, it’ll become lower and lower and easier and easier.

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“But, what started the panic attack? Why were you anxious?”

Oh the one question that actually drives me insane! Yes, I know that somewhere down the deep, dark routes of your brain there shall always be a reason behind anxiety/attacks however sometimes you simply just don’t know! It’s quite frankly the worst when you have that anxious feeling in your stomach and the distant sense that something just quite isn’t right. I’d like to express how it’s perfectly fine to not know why you’re feeling this way, or to be completely unaware of the reasoning behind the attack.

It’s just extremely important to understand you aren’t alone. I also want you to know that, it’s 100% possibly to begin to control anxiety and panic attacks and that you are not doomed for your whole life.

526cfb5345e2c53bf5b1067ba6411a42Speak soon,

Holl xxx

A Week in photos (1)

Hello Sweet Peas,

It seems recently I’ve abandoned and left the blogging world (I know, I know you are distraught by the matter) I’m actually rather annoyed at myself as we all know that my blog is my pride and joy but hey I’m back!

I’ve also been stuck on what to actually come to blog about as for so long I’ve wanted to do a favorite/haul/autumn type post, yet when I come around to actually write them, the haul is out dated and it’s half way through the next month… opps…So I’ve sat down all snug with my autumn blanket and mug of green tea (yes, I can confirm Autumn is officially here) and have actually took the time to write a post I’ve been wanting to have a go at for ages and considering it’s Monday, it was the perfect chance.

It was actually inspired by the lovely Jacqueline who’s blog I absolutely adore and regularly sums her week up in just a few photos. I love reading these posts and think it’s an easy, interesting way to liven up your blog and talk about daily life, so I thought why not give it a whirl. So here’s a little bit of what I’ve been up to the past few weeks;

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1. Christmas Feelings – Eeeeeem, the past week I’ve been feeling super duper Christmassy and yes I am aware it’s only just turned October but hey Christmas songs are completely acceptable right now right? But because of the sudden wintery change in weather I’ve finally been able to pull out my new fluffy, Christmas snude, which I must add has been an absolute life saver.

2. Nandos! – Yes!!! Would you ever believe I finally went out for a meal and opted for Nando’s, which may I add is beyond the best tasting food I’ve had in a long, long time. I actually cannot express how proud of myself I am for even considering a meal out in public and it took a hell lot of guts but I am beyond glad that I did. It’s little steps like this, that allow me to realise the huge progress in the long run. Plus, how can I ever deprive myself from the Nando’s peas ever again???

3. Halloween love – One of my favorite Autumn traits is of course Halloween (It comes a very close call with Christmas, dare I say…) however despite my love actually doing something for Halloween is long over due. So this year I demanded I do something and i all I can say is a little black dress, killer red heels and sparkly devil horns have been happily purchased… 😉

4. My new love for Weight Lifting and Recovery – This one is actually a bit late as for nearly two weeks now I’ve really took a huge step in my life into recovery and getting healthy. Two weeks ago I opted in a Personal Trainer, starting with a consultation and my god seeing the fact laid out to me was a massive shock to the system and I’ve decided massive changes need to be made. I’ve always loved my fitness and always wanted to start weight lifting, one of my biggest inspirations being Francesca Fox, who used Weight lifting to recover from anorexia. I kind of see myself in her and hope I can follow her foot steps. So, in the past 12 days I’ve began training and I can only hope that things from here improve.

I hope you enjoyed this little different post, and I think I shall be doing plenty more! What have you been up to the past weeks? I’ve missed you all but I shall be back.

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

Conflictation

Hello Sweet Peas,

I’m feeling extremely positive today and everything seems to be on the up. So firstly if you just happen to be having an awful hour or one of them days where only the bed seems appealing, I want you to stop for a second and smile. Take a huge breath and remember the world around you is still turning and you are still living and tomorrow is a brand new fresh day. Make the most of it! Do something new and exciting, do something that scares you or something full of spontaneity.

I was stuck in what to base today’s blog post around so, I thought I’d share a little poem with you as recently I’ve been writing more and more poetry and really seem to enjoy it.

Conflicted Thoughts

I don’t want to be caught
In a vagueness of my own insecure haze,
When I grow and my veins purposely entwine,
Logically older and minding fault.

I refuse to continue in the threatening hope,
That miracle shall fall upon,
That I am a specialist,
When I fall down to nothing, in the simple act of breathing.

Humanity overwhelms me.
Steps,
Walks,
Breaths,
Sound,
Forcefully supply me with and average sense of normality, I endlessly refuse to aspire.

You refuse to believe the demons I hold, Believing I’m a saint with no fault,
Do you feel the deceiving pierce?
When the world sees you with purity?
And you know you are scolded with blinded ashes at the core,

Endlessly attempting to accept emotion
That seethes from all,
Yet you prefer the opposite,
You don’t expect clarity, Love, Want,
Only ever craving its persuasions.

Pushing slowly to dismiss the truth,
You fail to control.
I’ll control each particle,
I place through the lips claiming for admiration,
The normal act upon us all day to day,
Finger tips to mouth.

I’ll control the purpose and meaning you have in each hour, because I can.
Protection.
Stopping the hurt you’ll supply me with.

Humanity does this,
Its dishonest perceptions,
And humans? We act it best.

That’s why I am fragile yet as cold as sharp icicles, Coming on the world’s tragic end.
You cannot come close,
I do not believe,
So I strike and melt and fade,
So you no longer have to observe my obsessive ‘phase’

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

Autumn Tag

Hello Sweet Peas,

Ah I was tagged by the lovely http://jacquelinemorby.co.uk/ to do this tag and I’m rather excited. It’s something a tad different ey!

  1) What’s your favourite seasonal drink from Starbucks/ Costa/ Cafe Nero etc?

I’ve only just begun to get into the Costa vibes (I know late on the band wagon) At the moment I’ve been massively obsessed with the coffee coolers from Costa however they have been my ultimate summer drink and with the cold weather making it’s way, I’ve had to broaden my horizons. So of course I went for the most comforting sounding beverage and one I’ve been dying to try for ages – Gingerbread latte – and now I can quite wonderfully say this is my Christmas drink.

2) Accessories – What do you opt for, scarf, boots, gloves?

Scroll down my blog and you’ll soon realize I’m the biggest scarf lover, especially big fluffy, white ones.

3. Music – What’s your favorite music to listen to during Autumn?

I don’t in particular change my music taste due to season, I listen to pretty much anything and everything whenever I tend to feel like it. Although, I must say as the winter starts to call in… So does the Michel Buble Christmas album… (I have no shame!)

 
4. Perfume – What’s your favourite scent for this time of year?
I hate to admit but I’m awful with perfumes, I pick and choose them like they are flaming underwear. I can never really find a  sent I love and will stick too however one perfume I always ask for towards Christmas is ‘Angel’ by Thierry Mugler. I absolutely adore it.
5. Candles – What scents will you be burning this season?
Cinnamon, cinnamon, CINNAMON! Oh god, If you do happen to know me, you’ll be highly aware 1. I adore candles 2. cinnamon is my favourite sent and taste of all time. I certainly need a cinnamon candle spree! Mmmmmm!
6. What do you love most about Autumn?
The colours, the fashion and of course good old Halloween. It’s all so exciting and something about it creates a warming and comforting feeling. I despise the cold weather but adore boots, jumpers and massive coats. It’s excuse to look like a chubby eskimo right? And of course my beloved onesies, my reindeer onesie has already made a reappearance.
7. Favorite make-up look?
I’m pretty dull with makeup, I tend to stick to neutral and natural shades, unless I’m off somewhere fancy. However as summer is disheartening I’ve been using a few darker, warming browns on my eyelids which I’ve been enjoying. Also, I usually stick safe with my lips, It’s a massive no no NO to ever go dark, yet today I ventured in buying a red lipstick… Ow…
That’s it my chickens, so I hope you enjoyed, I actually really enjoyed doing this slightly different post. Let me know if you want to see a few more like this, as I’ve been thinking about a Q & A post.
I tag – http://angisliving.wordpress.com/ My lovely lil fighter and anyone else who would love to do this!
Autumns a fabby time, so make sure you treat yourself to lots of hot chocolates!
Speak soon,
Holl xxx

The Silence

Standing motionless alone in complete tranquility. The shivers overcoming my spine from chilling droplets one would usually find to be comforting, the way of a wind down from a hectic 24 hours. I beg to differ as the sense of the cold relieves tension built from within, rather than the burning reminders of whom I am. I focus on the numbness that suddenly overcomes me in repetitive shivers. Breathing in and out with ease forcing my mind to phase over a peace, finger tips graze the curves and sharping edges as my mind is rapidly distorted. I search for acceptance. Suddenly falling in my trembles through each step, I phase in and out of a realization of reality. Like a dream the silence begins to swallow me, water droplets transforming into the ocean and each and every particle drowns away.  A tightness is risen in my chest and my aims to block out doesn’t reach any accomplishment, I feel as if the tapping of the tap echos louder, as the walls trap around me. What you’d find peace and ease in this normal, daily action, I discover a striking break down of screams. Terrorizing me as if I were melting I’d still leave the self hatred behind. I hope for the lingering to reach it’s halt, washing away through my own mind.

#OOTD casual rest day

Hello Sweet Peas,

Ah so today was a truly needed rest day, which has to my surprise been a fab way to start my week. I woke with some light yoga (secretly a meditating freak) and had the biggest breakfast as per usual because who dislikes breakfast?!? If you do, I really don’t trust you.

Today me and mumma headed out to pick up her gorgeous new car, so I threw together a quick casual comfy outfit.

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Shirt- New look
Jeans- TopShop Levi’s
Shoes- white leather converse

May I add I purchased the white leather converse the other day from Office and my god, is it possible to be in love with a pair of shoes? Despite the fact I must say that to every pair of converse I buy…

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

The last of summer #OOTD and a slight change…

Hello Sweet Peas,

I hope you are all well and your days have been wonderful, mine was great thanks for asking.  It’s been rather jam packed would you believe, so now sitting down with my very much loved peppermint tea, Emmerdale and my little blog is 100% appreciated.

Firstly I had to run a few errands however I felt my outfit today was totally worth sharing with you all, PS. the sun was out this morning, I’m trying my best to hold onto summer! I recently bought this playsuit and absolutely fell in love with it, it fits perfectly and is brilliant for anytime of year. Winter with a pair of tights, cute boots and fluffy scarf? yes yes yes!

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Playsuit – Topshop

Cardigan – River isalnd

Shoes – New Look

Ring – Silver.com

 

While popping out with my sister for a few of her birthday presents, I of course couldn’t resist a cheeky trip into next while she ventured the sports shop. When I go into next it’s always hit and miss, I either see a few bits I love of nothing at all however I must say at the moment their shoe and bag range is absolutely brilliant. I also find next extremely useful for any home wear (I’m secretly a massive sucker for that)

Taking in mind I said I wouldn’t spend anything but also taking in mind I really needed a new pair of boots, I of course went for the second persuasion and bought a new pair of boots… But hey they were too beautiful to resist and only £36, which personally I thought was rather decent. I also picked up a new room diffuser and the cutest scarf, perfect for pairing with some black skinny’s and the boots!

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I also went for a little change today and yes in the hair department, after all my morning rushing around, I had a hair appointment booked for 1. Lately my hair has felt limp, under nourished and un styled and for someone who uses her hair as her pride and joy – this is extremely depressing. I found myself almost in tears the other night claiming to my mum how “down” it was making me feel, and that is sad it itself… haha. So, I’ve decided to mix it up completely and instead of my usual dark try out the old Ombre, and I’m in love. I feel like I’ve got my hair back again and what’s better than a hair dressers trip because hey my hair now smells amazing.

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All in all today has been extremely successful and has left me feeling upbeat and positive! Some times giving yourself a little time and treating is well worth it.

Remember to treat yourself every day,

Speak soon,

Holl xxx

 

 

What you really are

You’re the gleaming sunlight,
Through the half discovered window,
Upon the hazy summer morning.

You’re the glimpse beyond his lustful eyes,
When he observes and admires,
The beauty her smile unconfidently holds.

You’re the worth of words of wonder,
As when the little girl you once were,
Cherished her parents every movement.

You’re the genuine laughter,
That sparks right beneath your belly,
Leaving your muscles aching from joy not forced upon.

You’re the glamorous little black dress,
You use to protest your edges,
Your curves,
Reflecting your beauty for hindering eyes.

You are allowed to float through happiness,
Life’s natural features,
That are supplied around you in and out.

The fooling of the haze,
Should not blind the glimmer of hope,
Into that the smile isn’t worthy and the laughter not quite loud enough.