My Personal “Clear Out..”

I’m far from good with decisions, decision making is probably one of my most dreaded things, yet I feel I have reached a point where I need to face my fear. I have some decisions to make.

I feel as if I need a “Clear Out” (and what this is yet to mean I have no clue, haha) – I just feel as if my mind is cramped and over crowded which is only causing a haze, and that leads to the disorientation of my thoughts. The more I think about this “Clear Out” I am coming to realize lately the true cause behind my failure and stumbles is down to people in and out of my life. People are beginning to pull me back rather than push me forward. I mean when you truly sit back and think about it – we as humans appear to be drawn towards the people that fill our hearts with negativity. Why is it so we push away the ones which care?

We carry on attempting endless, pointless, one end conversations with people who simply reply with one word. We like to believe somewhere deep down they may actually have an interest in talking to you, just a friend, yet their lack of effort describes differently.

We have the people who continue to make our lives misery by coming and going as they please, making us feel vulnerable, useless, and powerless.

We have the people who claim to understand, claim that they would find joy in listening to what you have to say, yet it is no fault of theirs I know however “I’m always here for you” doesn’t exactly fill you with much hope.

Why do we keep falling back into wanting the people that make us feel so worthless about ourselves?  because we like to kid ourselves into think they are going to change? That you are suddenly going to become a top priority?

Even to the point of society, we base our lives around even people we don’t know, trying to be this idea of perfect. If we don’t fit in with the rest of the world then where else can we possibly stand.

Negativity simply attracts negative people.

I remember a friend I had once and they were surprisingly very much like myself – which is very unlikely. Never the less we could talk for hours and hours, days and nights, yet never reach the point of boredom. I wondered why this was the case and then I realized – we had never once had a negative conversation. And no! This was not because we felt the need to hide any messed up aspect of our lives however it was because there was so much positivity, kindness and want between our words that it was as if the daunting roles in our lives had been erased. There wasn’t any need for us to discuss our troubles because there wasn’t any.

I guess my theory is – Negativity will only create more negativity. Positivity solves it.

I feel as if I am so blinded, trapped and suffocated in human beings bringing me down. I want to de-clutter myself – if you like. I’ve always truly believed that when you are happy yourself, you attract happy and positive people whereas if you spend your whole time trying to make others happy you realize that they’re the ones that don’t even have slightest ounce of care. I can remember the time in which I thought of my own feelings with depth and allowed people to form effort with me – yes this may sound selfish but I was believed to be a happier person, allowing me to realize I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks of me anymore. When you let go like that, it’s wonderful.

I believe it is time to open your eyes to what caring is, and to stop making time for what is not.

Holl.

Ps. I know I’ve failed with my “Blog challenge” HOWEVER that is to be back on track tomorrow. I have been busy with fiction never the less. I’ve begun a journal, if you wish to read. – https://penzu.com/p

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